A letter to my best friends (H.A.T.I)

There’s a time in your life when you start to question every decision you’ve made, every person you’ve met along the way and every road you’ve travelled. For me, that time is now.
I now ask myself; doubting and regretting some of the things mentioned above. Forgive me if I’m wrong. Forgive me for all the sins I’ve committed. Forgive me for all the words I’ve uttered. I’m just being curious.
When something happens, you tend to look at it from various perspectives. And sometimes if you possess the guts, you’ll dare to ask. You’ll be brave to question EVERYTHING. You try to look back and see everything that is in sight. But, you start to wonder the things that were missing from your past. It’s too late to regret now. You know you can never take back whatever event that took place back then. You’ll get sick; of everything. Demand to rebound in your life. Before you knew it, you’ve changed. You are a new person now. The only common you’ve got with your old self is the history that you’ve written all over the wall. They are good memories; yes, quite fantastic and unforgettable. But then, your eyes couldn’t resist the blanks left unfilled. Unsatisfactory rises from the grave. You’ll rebel. Deep down inside; you’re scared people will start walking out of your life once they found out about the NEW you. You begin to wonder, “Will they be able to accept me now?” or “Do they even know who I really am?”
Maybe the things you’ve said went a little overboard and you’re sorry for that. However, the question remains the same. Even you couldn’t understand who you were in the past but now that you’re on the journey to self-discovery, you know there’s a part of you that stays the same. But, you can’t help to wonder if they know that part exist still; even before and now.
I love you dear friends. After all we’ve been through; I know that all of you are good friends indeed. There were (and) are things that you did that I did not approve of or agree with. But I kept silent. Coz I know if I ever spoke those words in my mind, they would have blown you away. There were some crowds that I wasn’t comfortable hanging out with but I went along with you. If I’d told you that; I’m afraid you’d think the worst of me. It would take me some time to get adjusted to new people, especially guys. There were times I wish you and I were alone. So I could have even the slightest chance to talk to you in private. And I sometimes too wished in secret you would have asked me to express myself. I could have; I would have. In some of the times, I hoped you would just shut up and listen to me. All I needed were your ears. I, too, am not strong like you’ve needed and wanted me to be. I wanted to cry but I didn’t have the heart to see your tears.
When disasters landed on my lawn, I’ve always felt like running to you. But I was just so scared you wouldn’t be there. Or you wouldn’t open your arms to catch me. There was this one time when I’ve lost my way. In my heart, I call out for your names. It was dumb but I wished you could have heard me. I also tried to talk to other people; they pushed me away. They didn’t take me seriously. When people misunderstood me, I wanted to tell you about it but I remembered there was this one time when I tried to talk to you but you overlooked that matter. And that was when I made up my mind that I couldn’t count on you.
But I need you now more than ever. I still remember the first time we met. It felt like it was just yesterday. How we were brought together. We were all betrayed. I know. But we’re growing old and changing by the minute. We need to keep up-to-date. I need and I want to know everything about you. As do I want you to do the same with me. The things you love, people you’ve lost, situations you hate and all the tears and laughter that rolled down the lane. I need to know that I can trust you. Because my friend, the trust is not there. It never existed in the first place but I hope it will come in the future. I am a messed-up kid. There are bits of me that aren’t here yet. The same goes to you. But there’s always room for improvements. Our bonds-I hope it will get stronger. The ties in the past are there but if we go on like this, the string will be cut and there won’t be anything left then.
So many things left unspoken. So many thoughts left inside. So many emotions left up in the heart. It becomes a tumour after a period of time. I don’t want to let you go but I have no other choice if we all are too stubborn to make changes. I envy other best friends who knew each other well and could always tell when one of them is in trouble. I envy the intimacy and their private jokes. I envy of their pillow-talk. I ask myself, “Why we never did all of those things?” We’ve run out of things in common. It was a mishap on my behalf too. But now I am willing to share. I do want to talk. I want to be able to express how I feel. I don’t want to be scared anymore. Scared of what you might think of me, scared you might reject me and scared you might not be able to accept the real me. But life is all about taking risks. And I am willing to take that risk to save our friendship. I know you might think that there’s nothing wrong with our friendship but think again. Like I said, I’m so messed up. And there are things we need to solve. Things we need to do. Things we need to talk about. So we won’t run out words. Or would we be saying our goodbyes to each other.
I’ll tell you this. When we are far away, I don’t really miss you like other best friends would. Because I know that no matter how far we are apart, we’re always close to heart. I don’t think much of you coz you’re one of the pleasant thought I have in mind. I know that when I get back home, you’ll be there. Honking from inside of your car and calling out for my names in your childish voices. You’ll be there; laughing and smiling. Even if it has been long since we saw each other, I know things wouldn’t change. When I see you, I know it’s you and not anyone else. I don’t miss you coz we have a bond stronger than anything. I don’t have to look at our old pictures or albums coz I already have your face painted all over my eyes. The time we spent together feels so short but it lasts forever in my memories.
I love you Atiyah. Your first official words were “Tulisan kau sebenarnya cantik kan...” No one ever complimented my handwriting before. You were the first. You were betrayed by your friends and I was there to witness it. I swore to never do something like that to you. I love the way you say my name for the first time. With an ‘R’ slang. It sounded so nice. It’s so funny at times when you don’t even know when a guy is falling for you. And your stare could lead to a war. You always are the ‘Orang Tengah’ when we were facing a crisis. I like it when your upper lips kinda curved upward evertime you laugh and smile
I love you Zaty. When we were in Form3, we sat to each other and both of us had the same goals; to study at UiTM and prove our mothers wrong. You have the kindest heart among us. Sometims you just guide us through. But do know that you have potentials in you. Just believe. Don’t let emotions get in your way. Have some faith like you have for us. Respect yourself well. Be confident. People don’t like it when you have no self-esteem.
I love you Hus. We were from the same gang. I first noticed you when our gang made you merajuk. I love it when you laughed afterwards while everyone was looking at you. But I know deep down inside you were actually hurt. I could felt your pain at that time. You and I, we love English. And we were both discriminated. I love that you like ‘Toblerone’ too. I love to pull your legs coz even if you’d nag and get mad, you’ll smile at the end. You talk too fast but I love the way you sound. And how you would check the errors and blanks and the ketidak-neatness of my homework. I know someone is looking after me.

P.S: I hope we’ll get to mend our broken relationship. -TURIS-