A Secret Confession

I have a secret confession. I used to be a GOSSIP GIRL.

I used to love talking about people's dirt. I loved to eavesdrop on conversation. I loved to spread rumours.

It's true. And I'm ashamed.

Without realising, I used to talk about my friends behind their backs. I used to pretend to be a good listener and tell others about it.

I know, my obsession in meddling in others' personal lives SUCKED, BIG TIME.

But now I learned to stop myself from involving in the bad-mouthing activity. And if I hear a rumour, I'd keep it to myself. Unless if it involves my personal space. I won't pass around the gossip of course, I'd share it with a trusty friend.

If these symptoms seem familiar to you, you'd better stop trashing your mouth. You'll hurt feelings. You'll lose friends. You won't be trusted anymore. My word of advice is, try to place yourself into that person's shoes and try to imagine what it would feel like to get hurt. I have. So STOP NOW. Caring about a friend and listening to a rumour is two TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS!

And if you are about to hear 'something-something' about certain someone, stop your friend and say you don't want to be a part of it. If it's too late, keep the info to yourself and yourself ONLY.

Oh, one last tip. DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING people told you about another 'she' or 'he'. It is ALWAYS FALSE and ALWAYS MIXED + ADDED UP. It might not sound exactly like the way you heard it. Don't believe in others' words unless you've witnessed, experienced and found it is true yourself!

Hear me out. Been there, done that. Don't get entangled in all of this. Though it might be fun for the first few moments, it will turn into a disaster later on and WILL HAUNT you for the rest of your lives. Trust me. Don't gossip around.

;)

Dreaming Too Much

I don't know about you guys but I think a story could be entertaining, melancholic and a heartache. Sometimes reading a book is good way to visualize ourselves in other characters that we aren't and go through ONE HELL OF A RIDE.

Dreaming and fantasizing is good for the brain too right?

But I'm dreaming too much.

I've got sucked into the world of fantasy.

It might be the 'LONG AND DULL HOLIDAY SYNDROME'.

I feel so lazy to get out of the house.

I prefer to sit at home and watch TV than go out and have fun.

I day-dream about ridiculous things ALL THE TIME.

And the frightful thing is that I rather spend my time sleeping and dreaming than to wake up in this boring world.

I get lazier by the second.

I'm dreaming too much. Can someone get me out of this phase?

Damn you long holiday!

A favour

Friends, readers, as some of you may know I'm currently writing a story on my other blog. So far I have two followers and some readers outside 'Bloggers' community.

I was hoping I could have your support on this one. I'd really like to become a writer one day and I hope my works will get publication, recognition and are favoured. But I can't do it without you.

So, I hope you can visit my page and promote it to others to read as well. I DESPERATELY need feedbacks and criticism to be good at what I'm doing now. Read my story and leave a comment.

I really appreciate it.

For others who are loyal readers, THANK YOU for your support.

The story is at 'blackroseonly.blogspot.com'

Sincerely,

T.A

My Type of Guy?

If I can choose a guy, I’d choose the person who can make me fall in love with him.

Some say I’m too ‘picky’. I don’t think so. I just hope to get the best because why should I settle for something less?

I’ll admit it, sometimes it bothers me to see couples dating and announcing their relationship out loud. But then I think again. Nope! I’m happy.

I don’t really like being involved with someone else if there’s a chance my soulmate could be out there, waiting for me.

I just hope one thing in a guy; have a good faith in God. I’m not looking for an ustaz or anything but I hope he can guide my children and me. If he can’t do that, there goes my children’s future.

Romantic? Let’s face it, Malaysian guys aren’t really romantic. So, yeah, I would love some romance from him but I expect him to be himself too. It will be SOO SEXY if a guy is romantic in his own way.

I hope he’s not a smoker. Because I don’t want my children to get asthma from all the unhealthy smokes. If a person is not a smoker, then I truly believe he loves himself too much to kill himself. And he must love his family more than to be/stay addicted to it.

I’ve seen violence in some families so I hope he isn’t one. I don’t want bruises on my kids’ face!

Tall, handsome, smart? Nah, those qualities don’t really matters. Coz I’m the type of person who looks at personality rather than appearance.

But most of all, I want to find a guy who can make fall head over heels for him. And when we talk, there would be that ‘connection’ and chemistry between us. I hope he accepts me for who I am and not and in exchange, I’ll do the same. I’m not really ‘choosy’ or have high standards. I just want to find true love. Is that even wrong?

Self-Inflicted Pain

At this point, I have no misery left in me. Even if it’s hard or tough, I can’t seem to drown myself in self-pity because I know better to keep my head up high than to sink in my tears. Sympathising yourself is the easiest thing to do but getting up on your feet seems so much more impossible. I used to be that person who just feels mad at everything and everyone. Nothing was ever right or good enough for me. I’ve had many remorse of my past. But that was before.

With the death, I think I’m getting better at coping with my problems. The jealousy in me started to cease and little by little, I was happy. I’ve never felt so calm and reserved like now. I was determined to get my old self back; the one who would always be happy and content with everything that I had, no matter if it rains or thunder. Thanks to Allah, I’ve met myself back. But, there’s just one problem. I have lost my touch.

Before, all the rage and contempt built up a passion from within that continued to give birth to my inspirations. I could write and write without knowing pain or boredom. I could indulge myself in pain and sorrow for hours and days. With one trouble I could write ten pages long of ink and never get tired of it. But now that I’m plain happy, I thought I could write about happy thoughts and events but I just can’t find any. Look at me now, as I am writing this, I am reminiscing back to my previous self-inflicted pain and see, I could write.

To others, miseries only bring misfortune but to writers, it is one of the most beautiful gifts from God. It’s so amazing; the power and need to pour all the anger into the pure sheet of white papers. Yes, it’s a monster but with the existence of monster, there’s the will to fight and to bring them down. Even if all efforts meet with damnation and all hopes were lost, warriors would fight till the end. It’s a never ending battle. That is what it’s like for us writers. With our own grief and blood, we would gather all that’s bright like the sun and the need for love to conquer our heartache. And now that the monster’s gone, the pain vanished, what is there left for my ink to fight for?

This is a dilemma and I can’t seem to find any other way to solve it than to go running back to the arms of misery. What can I do? Writing is my forte and my will to wake up each other day. Without it, I am nothing, I’m nobody. And I would hate it if that happens. It’s the same as living life without air. Making sacrifices and going through the labour without having something to achieve. Living life without making any contribution, that just sucks. If that’s the case then life itself is not worth living for. It’s like men without religion and a man without a soul.

I am a self-inflicted soul.

Returned.

Want you guys to know...

I'm back!!!

T.A has returned.

BEWARE!

;D

get lost

1. it doesn't matter if the stars shine now. all hopes are still at lost while i walk through the rain.

2. in the end, everyone is just the same. so give up the expectations.

3. why did i talk to u about it? u made me feel worse anyway.

4. i shouldn't say anything coz you wouldn't care.

5. leave me alone.

6. get lost.

Numb

I don't know how or what to feel.

I can't put my feelings in mere words.

I mustn't cry but that's so hard to do.

I know; everyday people come and go away.

But it's all so sudden.

I'm choked.

I wanna cry.

But I wanna smile and laugh too, you know.

It's guilt.

Feels wrong to go on; pretending like nothing happened.

I need someone to talk to.

Someone to share my feelings with.

An arm to cry on.

But nobody hears me weeping, inside.

No one would understand.

Even I don't.

My eyes see that 3 critical days.

They did come and were blown away.

But I still feel what I felt then.

I still weep like I wept then.

I am still grieving.

My mind is trying its best to comprehend this event.

I can't focus.

I can't move my muscle.

I can't really do a thing.

I can't really say anything.

I am paralyzed.

I am weak.

I am numb.

Study Week

People!

Guess what I'm doing now? Hehehehhe... Online! It's called 'Study Week' for a reason right? But so far, I haven't studied yet. Okay, maybe a lil bit. I read through 'Tamadun India' @ Indian Civilisation slide show for 2 times. That was all.

I keep telling myself I've gotta start somewhere but as usual, I'm not listening! So I have to write it down; with hopes I'll start afterwards. Some of my friends are doing the same. Especially those who are at home (like me!). Oh man, I'm killing myself! How the HECK I'm going to earn the Dean's List for this sem?

I'm doing fine. Holding on tight. As you've read the previous entry, I wasn't doing okay. But not until now. For all pessimists (who are just like me) out there, if you're feeling down or 'low', praise yourself and you'll feel so much better. It might not be that magical but it'll help to boost your mood. Trust me. Say the phrase below out loud to yourself and believe in them! :

You are ______. You feel ________. Heck, everyone knows you're ________! So you are the new definition of ________+ness.

*insert the word beautiful/handsome/smart/awesome/cool/great/etc.

Keep your morale high! No one likes it when you're all emo and stuff. They like you better

when you're all happy and it's contagious! Try it out ya! :D ;D If it doesn't work, hit me back!

Replacable

When you've opened it wide,

When you've let it shone,

When you've begun to trust,

Don't even try coz it is already crushed.

When you thought you've figured it out,

When you saw the new stars,

When you heard the new songs,

You're dead wrong.

When the faith you've depended on,

The people you've loved with your heart strong,

And new roads that took you along,

You'll realise you have never belonged.

They'll make you think that you are one,

Your whole life won't no more be a run,

You've had all the tears, joy and fun,

And you believed there will always be sun.

You brave out and opened the table,

You hang to them like they're your long life cable,

It finally faked just like the fables,

They hit you hard and you're soften to friable.

And you found out you're not irreplaceable.

Easily replaceable.

Confusion All Cleared Up

Uuu-lala! Aha! Thanks to Iz Rijap, I finally checked out the statistic of my blog and found out that mine has been visited by people from all over the world (well, mostly). Anyway, it has given me motivation to start updating my blogs. Well, maybe just one of them. Anyway, I know people might assume that my blogs have died without any news but here I am. No worries. Just been busy with all sorts of trouble.
You know, coming back to the place where it all started doesn’t make it easy for me to start fresh. And my friend, too, was preoccupied with her own problems. We’ve got no one but each other. Remembering how we parted way the last time, I’d say we’re far better now. Our friendship has improved a lot and we managed to overcome some of our problems.
And now that I’m back on my feet again, I have new motivations and goals in life. Like a wise person once told me, “Be not just a dreamer; but an achiever too!” I’ll always hold on to that as long as I breathe. Talking about goals, I’ve been keeping a desire of mine a secret from my loved ones. Only 8 of them had found out about this but some discovered it accidentally. Ehem! :D
So, let me say this out loud! Remember a post of mine earlier this year? (Go and check for yourself!) I know I’ve told the world that I want to pursue my education in Australia right? Well, it was all just a dream until a senior told me about an education fair with the theme, ‘Study in Australia.’ Then it struck me, I just had to go.
I went and checked out some of the universities there. Most of them offered me the course that I really wanted; Language. Discussed about it with my parents and they seemed to approve. All the things left to do were to search for a scholarship and pass all the exams (IELTS and TOEFL). But, I remembered that I could be missing out a lot if I decide to go there. My friends here, the plans that I’ve made, the list that we’ve come out with. I was torn apart. I thought about it for almost a week and I had some trouble sleeping. I didn’t tell anyone about it coz I didn’t have the heart to. But, when the right time came, I went to see two counsellors at my faculty. Boy, they were very helpful! (Who knew?) Both of them told me to go for it! And they actually helped me to make up my mind.
Told my true friends here with some suspense (coz I wanted to see their reactions though I was disappointed). Don’t really know if they were relieved or felt nothing at all. I couldn’t really tell. I’ve decided to wait and shape myself until the opportunity comes knocking on my door with the funding and a guaranteed place in the University of Tasmania (UTAS). In the meantime, I’m going to build a resume no one could afford to reject!
Unintentionally, the news spread. And so here I want to apologise from the bottom of my heart for keeping it a secret. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I had my reasons. Here they are:-
1. I haven’t really decided whether to go or not (at that time).
2. If things don’t work out, and everyone knew about it, then the shame would be on me. I know people would ‘talk’ about it.
3. My best friends are far away. I couldn’t just drop the bomb through a text or even a phone call.
4. Didn’t want anyone to feel sad, burdened or affected by the undecided choice.
I truly am sorry. So, to clear all the confusions I’ll announce my decision here. Insyaallah, I’ll do my Masters in UTAS, Australia. But if the chance comes by anywhere near soon and I’m all ready as I was meant to be, I’ll have to reconsider. Whatever turns out in the future, I hope all of you would give your support. Finally, I hope this post will cease all the confusions. Thanks.

Truthfully,
TURISAINA

A letter to my best friends (H.A.T.I)

There’s a time in your life when you start to question every decision you’ve made, every person you’ve met along the way and every road you’ve travelled. For me, that time is now.
I now ask myself; doubting and regretting some of the things mentioned above. Forgive me if I’m wrong. Forgive me for all the sins I’ve committed. Forgive me for all the words I’ve uttered. I’m just being curious.
When something happens, you tend to look at it from various perspectives. And sometimes if you possess the guts, you’ll dare to ask. You’ll be brave to question EVERYTHING. You try to look back and see everything that is in sight. But, you start to wonder the things that were missing from your past. It’s too late to regret now. You know you can never take back whatever event that took place back then. You’ll get sick; of everything. Demand to rebound in your life. Before you knew it, you’ve changed. You are a new person now. The only common you’ve got with your old self is the history that you’ve written all over the wall. They are good memories; yes, quite fantastic and unforgettable. But then, your eyes couldn’t resist the blanks left unfilled. Unsatisfactory rises from the grave. You’ll rebel. Deep down inside; you’re scared people will start walking out of your life once they found out about the NEW you. You begin to wonder, “Will they be able to accept me now?” or “Do they even know who I really am?”
Maybe the things you’ve said went a little overboard and you’re sorry for that. However, the question remains the same. Even you couldn’t understand who you were in the past but now that you’re on the journey to self-discovery, you know there’s a part of you that stays the same. But, you can’t help to wonder if they know that part exist still; even before and now.
I love you dear friends. After all we’ve been through; I know that all of you are good friends indeed. There were (and) are things that you did that I did not approve of or agree with. But I kept silent. Coz I know if I ever spoke those words in my mind, they would have blown you away. There were some crowds that I wasn’t comfortable hanging out with but I went along with you. If I’d told you that; I’m afraid you’d think the worst of me. It would take me some time to get adjusted to new people, especially guys. There were times I wish you and I were alone. So I could have even the slightest chance to talk to you in private. And I sometimes too wished in secret you would have asked me to express myself. I could have; I would have. In some of the times, I hoped you would just shut up and listen to me. All I needed were your ears. I, too, am not strong like you’ve needed and wanted me to be. I wanted to cry but I didn’t have the heart to see your tears.
When disasters landed on my lawn, I’ve always felt like running to you. But I was just so scared you wouldn’t be there. Or you wouldn’t open your arms to catch me. There was this one time when I’ve lost my way. In my heart, I call out for your names. It was dumb but I wished you could have heard me. I also tried to talk to other people; they pushed me away. They didn’t take me seriously. When people misunderstood me, I wanted to tell you about it but I remembered there was this one time when I tried to talk to you but you overlooked that matter. And that was when I made up my mind that I couldn’t count on you.
But I need you now more than ever. I still remember the first time we met. It felt like it was just yesterday. How we were brought together. We were all betrayed. I know. But we’re growing old and changing by the minute. We need to keep up-to-date. I need and I want to know everything about you. As do I want you to do the same with me. The things you love, people you’ve lost, situations you hate and all the tears and laughter that rolled down the lane. I need to know that I can trust you. Because my friend, the trust is not there. It never existed in the first place but I hope it will come in the future. I am a messed-up kid. There are bits of me that aren’t here yet. The same goes to you. But there’s always room for improvements. Our bonds-I hope it will get stronger. The ties in the past are there but if we go on like this, the string will be cut and there won’t be anything left then.
So many things left unspoken. So many thoughts left inside. So many emotions left up in the heart. It becomes a tumour after a period of time. I don’t want to let you go but I have no other choice if we all are too stubborn to make changes. I envy other best friends who knew each other well and could always tell when one of them is in trouble. I envy the intimacy and their private jokes. I envy of their pillow-talk. I ask myself, “Why we never did all of those things?” We’ve run out of things in common. It was a mishap on my behalf too. But now I am willing to share. I do want to talk. I want to be able to express how I feel. I don’t want to be scared anymore. Scared of what you might think of me, scared you might reject me and scared you might not be able to accept the real me. But life is all about taking risks. And I am willing to take that risk to save our friendship. I know you might think that there’s nothing wrong with our friendship but think again. Like I said, I’m so messed up. And there are things we need to solve. Things we need to do. Things we need to talk about. So we won’t run out words. Or would we be saying our goodbyes to each other.
I’ll tell you this. When we are far away, I don’t really miss you like other best friends would. Because I know that no matter how far we are apart, we’re always close to heart. I don’t think much of you coz you’re one of the pleasant thought I have in mind. I know that when I get back home, you’ll be there. Honking from inside of your car and calling out for my names in your childish voices. You’ll be there; laughing and smiling. Even if it has been long since we saw each other, I know things wouldn’t change. When I see you, I know it’s you and not anyone else. I don’t miss you coz we have a bond stronger than anything. I don’t have to look at our old pictures or albums coz I already have your face painted all over my eyes. The time we spent together feels so short but it lasts forever in my memories.
I love you Atiyah. Your first official words were “Tulisan kau sebenarnya cantik kan...” No one ever complimented my handwriting before. You were the first. You were betrayed by your friends and I was there to witness it. I swore to never do something like that to you. I love the way you say my name for the first time. With an ‘R’ slang. It sounded so nice. It’s so funny at times when you don’t even know when a guy is falling for you. And your stare could lead to a war. You always are the ‘Orang Tengah’ when we were facing a crisis. I like it when your upper lips kinda curved upward evertime you laugh and smile
I love you Zaty. When we were in Form3, we sat to each other and both of us had the same goals; to study at UiTM and prove our mothers wrong. You have the kindest heart among us. Sometims you just guide us through. But do know that you have potentials in you. Just believe. Don’t let emotions get in your way. Have some faith like you have for us. Respect yourself well. Be confident. People don’t like it when you have no self-esteem.
I love you Hus. We were from the same gang. I first noticed you when our gang made you merajuk. I love it when you laughed afterwards while everyone was looking at you. But I know deep down inside you were actually hurt. I could felt your pain at that time. You and I, we love English. And we were both discriminated. I love that you like ‘Toblerone’ too. I love to pull your legs coz even if you’d nag and get mad, you’ll smile at the end. You talk too fast but I love the way you sound. And how you would check the errors and blanks and the ketidak-neatness of my homework. I know someone is looking after me.

P.S: I hope we’ll get to mend our broken relationship. -TURIS-

Suggestions...?

The date is coming...

Any suggestion for the most AWESOME birthday present ever? Tell me what you think about these things:

1. A simple video cam with at least 5 Mega pixels but only with ONE FUNCTION (to record!) Why?- Coz I wanna record the next 4 years I'm gonna spend as a Degree student!

2. One Republic new album- Waking Up!!! The songs are mostly cool!

3. A REAL COOL SET of an ancient papers in a book (like the Shakespearean era) and it comes with a Fountain Pen!!! A-W-E-S-O-M-E-N-E-S-S!!!!!!!

so lemme know what u guys think okay and hit me back? WOuld appreciate it! Thank you!!! XD

And I also wanna say thanks to 'some people' that makes me look forward to that day! Thank you so much and I love yah!!! ;) You're the best! Im gonna take ur advice and turn things around this year! WIsh me luck!!!!

I am BLACK ROSE

See me
white,

Smell me
pink,

Hear me blue,

But read me black!

I am Black Rose.

My skin as yellow as the white,

My eyes as small as they could see,

My height as tall as it could be.

My perfume as sweet as the Moroccan Rose,

But my colour is not as good as the host,

Fine me no where even from coast to coast,

Because I am one black rose.

Plead ne power,

Stalk me favour,

Guess no other,

Give one fever.

*more on; www.blackroseonly.blogspot.com

-BLACK ROSE-

Doubt

Hey people!

So the recent Tuesday, I was excited to have my FIRST ETHOS MEETING!

tURNED out, I was elected as the Secretary. Thank you NUR ANISSA

BT ABD AZIS! for getting me back. But seriously, all the congrats

make me feel more horrible by the second.

Because many students escaped the meeting, therefore the people

left there were my friends and a bunch of my seniors who know me.

I never thought they would vote for me. They don't know me. I'm NOT

HARDWORKING, RELIABLE OR DO I HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE IN SUCH

A BIG CLUB. ETHOS is a BIG responsibility. I don't know if I can live

up to the expectation. Okay, this is karma. Coz I nominated AJ for the

president title. I thought people would vote him as the Vice President

instead of the Mr. President himself. SORRY AJ! :)

nIeSsA, I don't blame you. Seriously. Yes, you nominated me but

there were many other hands who voted for me as well. It's just that,

I don't think I deserve

the honour. I wanted to learn first instead of leading. But it has already

happened and we can't change the past.

I don't think I'm worth the credit and congrats. Sorry people.

But, we'll see how it goes right? I'll try my best though. MUHYI

said he voted for me because he trusts me. The ONLY PROBLEM is

that I DON'T trust myself.

It's not like I am not grateful or do I hate it, but it's just that...

Well, you know... I'm scared of letting people down. Until now,

I still don't understand why they voted for me. Maybe they just raised

their hands to get it over with? That's the saddest part of it.

IN CONCLUSION, I'll work very hard to live up to the expectation.

Still, there's the voice that keeps whispering at me that says,

"They didn't choose you because they trust you to do well."

And I still DOUBT my decision of keeping it a secret from my family.

*sigh* fuhhhh.........

WISHES THAT WILL NEVER COME TRUE:

1. Learn to play piano.
   
2. Learn to play guitar.
   
3. Learn how to skate like a pro.
   
4. Publish my stories.
   

5.Spread my poems.

Perth,Australia-risk it all

I'm not sure of what my future will be. But, there's a place that popped up in my head- Australia. I don't know if Australia is a part of my future but I hope it will be. Why? Well, it is all thanks to my brother.

When I was 16, he came home and told me a friend of his, who was taking the same course as I am right now, flew to Australia to further his study in English language. It came to me, I could do the same.

It has always been a dream of mine to travel around the world and I could start that dream in Australia. Since little my parents brought my family to various local places for a vacation. I looked up to schoold holidays due to that. And since then,I had always loved travelling.

But, a friend once asked me why I was afraid to leave our course that is about to end by the end of the semester. She said all of us could still keep in touch. I didn't know what was the answer to that question too but I was scared she might be true. But, there was one thing in my mind at that time. The question was Australia.

With all the financial problems and my current grades, I think that dream would only stay as an dream. Even if that dream of furthering my studies in Australia would not come true, but my dream as a traveller would I try hard to pursue. That is why I am scared.

Scared this dream that I have would lead me to a path no one knows. I always knew that our paths would not be the same as we are headed to different ways. But, going to Australia would be even more of a different path as it is the same as the road not taken. I know, this path would lead me astray to far beyond than others. I'm scared to be alone. To abandon my friends. But, I too have dreams. And for that dream, I am willing to risk it all. Risk it all. Risk it all.

So there you have it. Perth, Australia. Risk it all..

Study Leave..

People love to take advantage on a situation. Exhibit A: Me. Haha.. I know.. I know..

It's Study Leave this week. It is called S-T-U-D-Y leave. But I'm using this time, which is the STUDY LEAVE week, to have a vacation. After all the hardworks I've been going through, I think, wait, I KNOW, I DESERVE a break.

With the Final Drama of 45%, TONS of assignments, and a LOT of tests. Yes people, imagine all of that in one week. It is H+E+L+L = HELL AS YOU KNOW IT.

I know, I know, I should have been using this week as a week to study but I'm planning to start studying tomorrow. Besides, I'm going back to MAWAR TERCHENTA by tomorrow evening. Haha.

For members of LEMON SYRUP ON WEEKENDS : I've written and will keep on writing on our journal. Do read it. If you want it, ask me for it. If everyone of you forgot about it, no worries- I'll write for all of you. That's what I do best - WRITE.

That's all for this Study Leave. See yah!